Are We Really So Alone? (Breaking The Social Barrier)

There is this thing that we often forget. 

This need for human connection. 

We underestimate it. We fail to fully understand it. We live our lives feeling alone, different, and sometimes -deeply misunderstood. But what we forget, is that we aren't. We all live deeply close to each other, but are detrimentally distant from one another. With our struggles, our emotions, our honest feelings. We hide them inside. We feel like we are the only ones who have ever felt them, and the only ones who will ever understand them. We end up feeling alone. 

About a month ago, I had packed up my car after work like any other day, hit the road and ended up down by the beach. It took a little bit to unpack, as I struggled to carry all my supplies awkwardly down to the sand (if you would have seen it you would have laughed). I think I even stopped and laughed at myself at one point, somewhere in the middle of my brushes scattering down in front of me, and my easel (which I was carrying over my back) slipping off to the side making me lose my balance and step sideways one too many times.*Note to self, you can't do everything by yourself. 

The sunset was fading fast, and I only had a few minutes to paint. A few people came up and started to chat, there was this one lady who walked up and stood beside me, her two kids, crowding around her. We spoke a few words, and then she asked me why I was out here. That is when things started to change.

I chuckled a bit, and feeling quite silly I said,

"Well...It's one of the commitments I made for myself this year.. I need to keep up with my art."

"Oh wow! ..That's so nice." She said. 

I waited a moment and thought I must ask her a question in return, partly out of courtesy and partly out of nervousness. But I took a moment, and kept the question genuine. I asked,

"Do you have anything in your life, that you know you must do? Something you're ready to let go of and commit to?" 

I quickly realized this was not an appropriate small talk question to ask. Especially to someone you just met. *Wow toria. Way to make everything so damn deep.

Feeling a bit nervous I added, "I mean, with it being the first of the year and all, I guess do you have any-"

"Yes I do." She interrupted me, not seeming to be remotely fazed by the directness of my question. Even if she was, she gracefully dismissed it, because something changed in her. Her guard was let down, and a piece of her, opened up. She let go, and replied; 

"The thing is, I have a lot of things I know I need to do this year. Things I can't cast aside, things I can't continue to put at the end of my list. One of them is my health. I need to be more active. I mean, I look at my kids, and I just see a future with them, and I'm just not a part of that." We glanced over to see her kids knelt down playing by the shore. Laughing, being oblivious to everything except the moment they were in. "That's one of the reasons I am out here today. I need to have more moments like this with my kids. Moment's where they will remember me there alongside them, teaching them how to enjoy life. How can I do that if I am stuck in a chair, you know? ..What type of mother will I be then?" 

She took a second, caught off guard from the honesty in her own response, and looked me in the eyes. Tears reluctantly started to form, that were surprising even her. 

There was a moment of silence in the conversation now. For the air between us had just changed. Suddenly, all of this went from a very casual and superficial exchange of words, to a real and vulnerable conversation. 

I broke the silence with the only words of encouragement I could humbly think of. Because how else can you respond to that? I said; 

"You know...I don't know a lot of people who are willing to be honest with themselves about something like that. Seeing you here, and what you're doing now is the best first step you could possibly take."

She looked back up at me, possibly feeling embarrassed now from her openness. 

"You seem like you have a lot of love for your kids. That is what is going to help drive you to achieve your goals. That's powerful. Don't discount that...use it!"

"..Thank you. That means so much, you don't even know." She answered. Her voice breaking up a bit. "I feel like I am failing at so many areas of my life. I doubt that I am going to be the mother my kids will need. My daughter recently went through some health complications, and everything has just been so hard- I sometimes wonder if there is even hope.." 

"There is always hope.." I replied. 

(You never know when there is going to be an opportunity for talking about things that really matter. But why are we always surprised by it?)  

We ended up talking for most of the time I was there. My brushes dried up. My canvas blew over so many times I finally put it away. As the sun continued to set, the water from the ground started rising and my shoes (and bag) became completely soaked. I screwed the lids back on my jars of paint thinner and turned toward her, and just listened.  

What changed from this initial conversation from politeness and superficiality, to honesty and vulnerability? What made this lady feel as if she could spill out her heart to a complete stranger, painting on some beach she decided to visit?  

But that is the thing. Perhaps it is because she did not feel as if we were strangers. She felt as if someone asked her a question that demanded honesty. And subconsciously, she saw it as an opportunity to have someone try and understand her, and understand those feelings weighing heavy on her heart. 

We talked about expectations of life. The struggle to be brave. Disappointments and broken promises. The fear in caring what other people think of you. And what it feels like to choose to be strong when you want to give up. 

Never in my life had I expected to end a regular ol' day by having such an in depth chat with a woman I had just met, a stranger on a beach, who was feeling alone,

And who was feeling human. 

Maybe she was carrying those feelings around for too long, and was waiting for someone to listen. Who knows what would have been, if she kept that inside. Those were real thoughts, real doubts, and real feelings only able to be consoled by another human heart. It didn't matter that we had just met. What was shared is what mattered. She had mentioned how much she appreciated our conversation, and how much lighter she felt from it. 

"I really am blessed by such a wonderful family. God is so good, and I know that at the end of the day, things are the way they are and I can only do my best.. It's going to be a great year, isn't it?" 

"It really is.." I answered. Feeling quite reassured myself. 

"Oh my gosh, I didn't even get your name! I'm so sorry, how rude of me!" She said.

What she didn't realize was, at that point, formalities didn't matter. We were already acquainted on such a real level, from one human to another. Names almost seemed irrelevant at this point. Nevertheless I introduced myself, and she followed. 

Everyone needs this -this need for human connection. Human feelings reassured and understood by other humans. We were made to be there for eachother. There is a lot of lonely people out there. If only we could realize that most of us share the same feelings. That we are all walking around living amongst one another in silence, all carrying these same feelings, doubts, and insecurities. If only we knew. Would we still feel so alone? 

The truth is when we are brave enough to open up, and be real with one another, we have more opportunities to be understood. 

To connect. 

To relate. 

To feel appreciated. 

To feel supported.

To feel as if you belong. 

What people really need at the end of the day is to feel like they are not alone. Sometimes, all that takes is a honest conversation with a stranger.

What questions should we be asking when we interact with others? How can we break this social barrier that keeps all of us from truly connecting?

To feel as if we are not alone? 

Because the honest truth is; we aren't. If we only are willing to open up our hearts, without fear of being misunderstood, we might actually end up being understood completely. 

love, 

toria.