Adventures In Portland

Visiting Portland again was something that has been on my long list of ‘to-do’s. Thinking back on our trip now, I am so very glad we made it happen. It’s been about two months since we’ve been back, and I can’t stop daydreaming about our adventures, in all of their glory, and about the feelings of excitement and freedom we both felt. Walking those gloomy city streets, seeing the smoke from high buildings, waiting for busses and cars to pass by as we leapt with anticipation from street to street, with our hands in eachothers pockets, and the feeling of a sharp nicotine headache coming on.

We laughed, and we sang, and we engaged in wonderful and meaningful conversations that helped us pass the time on our long drives.

What can I say? Portland was absolutely marvelous. A much-needed adventure that brought peace and clarity after a long fall semester, and a very full Christmas season.

I originally intended this post to be about the one specific night, and the memories we made. With all of the recent craziness that has been happening, I feel a bit strange trying to talk about our adventures in such a naive and care-free spirit. But another part of me wants to keep it as it was, so it can be a reminder for some lovely memories that were made this year. So it can be a good reminder to me, and to anyone else that may need an escape right now. Yes, this year isn’t turning out how anyone expected it to. But that doesn’t mean it we can’t make some memories.

I hope everyone is doing their best to practice safe precautions, and to think of others in this critical time. We’ve been staying at home so much these past few weeks, and trying our best to do our part. But this blog post is for happy memories, and about hope for the future. It’s for remembering and appreciating this life that we are so lucky to live, despite the unforeseen challenges. So here we go.

A wonderfully unforgettable night it was in Portland, but that is definitely not how it started. I think some of the greatest moments in our lives are the ones that don’t always start out as planned. Sometimes it takes a lot of laughs and forgiveness to realize that there is still beauty in those moments. Because sometimes in those moments where things don’t go as planned, there is still a lot of life that happens.

Somehow, they can end up being your favorite part.

We started the night with excitement and high hopes. This was going to be our fancy-night-out in Portland. With heels, false lashes, and a freshly tied tie, we walked out into the cold relying on Google Maps and highly rated reviews to keep our spirits up. But once we arrived, we realized the restaurant we had planned on was booked full. After an awkward conversation with the hostess, we began the long walk back to the car as the rain started to drizzle on top of us, crushing our hopes. This was the start of the turn of events. Somewhere in-between the long debate on where we should try next and the multiple hangry responses, the topic on how we should probably spend less money and just go somewhere cheap came up. The perfect antidote for one’s ability to enjoy a night out. But our determination to enjoy ourselves persisted, and we soon found another restaurant. We plugged in the address and soon we were on our way.

There is possibly nothing worse than driving around an unfamiliar city, at night, in the rain, with no idea as to where you are headed, because the app you put your trust in is spinning in circles and not responding or giving you the directions that you so desperately need. Google maps was having a meltdown and apparently so were we, as we drove around in circles crossing over bridges and back again, trying to get to our new safe haven. After a near car crash and fighting the desire to give up, we arrived almost an hour after we planned, staggering to the front door hoping there would be the dinner of our dreams to ease the silently crafted rage that developed within us both. As we opened the door we also (very quickly) realized that this restaurant was wayyy more casual than we had anticipated. There we stood, heels, lashes, and tie. In a crowd of tee-shirt wearing families eating pizza and drinking beer. “Okay. This is totally okay.” I said. We looked around and saw a sectioned-off part of the restaurant that said ‘adults only’ that seemed to have couples who were sipping wine in a dimly lit ambiance. Before I could explain to Kyle that I was feeling super embarrassed on being overdressed, he was already on his way to ask the Waiter if there was some way we could sit in that area. She agreed, and began to arrange us a table. “Are you ready to order?” she said. “We have our guests order first, and then we can seat you guys.”

I do this super fun thing when I’m stressed where I seem to order the weirdest thing off the menu instead of choosing something that I would actually like. Maybe it’s me trying to relax and be adventurous, or maybe it is just sheer terror at the thought of making a choice on the spot. But as you would guess, I order the worst possible combination that menu could have provided. This restaurant had a selection of pasta, with three different choices you could pick from if you wanted to create your own. But the pasta choices were listed as follows: Spaghetti noodles, Vegan noodles, or Whole Wheat Penne. The sauce choices were: Marinara, Homemade Pesto, or Alfredo Sauce. Not bad, you may think. But if you’re a stressed out overdressed, hangry, self-conscious toria with the above average dose of anxiety, you end up always having a bit of a hard time. “I’ll have the whole wheat penne, with alfredo sauce with plain grilled chicken on top.” Kyle looks over to me with a look of confusion that I passed up the beautiful homemade Butternut Squash Ravioli with toasted sage listed right below. The dish I would have chosen if I wasn’t crumbling from the inside out.

We were seated in the absolute center of the room and after I took off my coat, my dress seem to light up the room causing multiple glances of question. Kyle being the sweetheart that he is, ordered me soup to ease the regret that was starting to spill out of me. It does seem a bit silly now that I am writing about it. But in the moment, when you plan a nice date out, and you know this will be one of your only date nights for the rest of the month, you start to feel sad when you realize how much of a terrible attitude you’re having.

When the soup came out after many long moments of awkward silence, we looked down to notice it was about the size of a 1/4 cup measuring dish. “This is cute. I assured myself. “You know what, I am just glad we made it here.” were the words that I thought escaped my mouth, but instead it was “This is the size of Vincent’s food bowl” (our kitten) and that is when the tears started to fall.

“It’s okay.” Kyle cut in. “You know, this is just like the times at our Wedding. When we were super stressed out, and thought things were turning out terrible, but ended up being just fine!” I paused, as a huge tear escaped my left eye. “…I am not over those times.” I said. Nothing could have prepared us for the next following moments, no glass of wine, no feeling of determination, no amount of willpower. Our hungry and tiredness from the fighting off the bad feelings started to show. I started to cry as I desperately tried to wipe away and hide my tears inside my napkin. For sure, all of the eyes were now on us, gaping at this ungrateful, well-dressed couple, who could not for the life of them just enjoy this restaurant. That is when the pasta came out.

Kyle’s was a beautiful harmony of smells, I mean, you could smell the love that went into it. When mine came out, it was a plate of brown. They somehow put the sauce ON THE BOTTOM and the pasta on top. I was faced with the choices of my past, and in that moment my sadness and tiredness turned to absolute rage. I was half determined to eat the whole thing out of spite, half determined to send it away out of hurt and betrayal of my previous hopes. As I lifted my fork to take a bite, my hand did that weird thing were it missed my mouth and I stabbed my face and the pasta fell on to the table and my dress, then down to the floor. Yes. It was apparently just one of those nights. I would soon see a pity fork creeping into eyesight from Kyle’s plate, offering a bite from his dish made of love. The night basically ended with me chugging my glass of wine before getting my coat. As we walked outside, I turned around and kicked up the dirt behind me, before letting out a huge angry sigh. (Not my proudest moments at all). But this made us both burst out laughing, the biggest belly laugh of relief and frustration. We walked to our car, not noticing the rain, or how completely ridiculous we must look at this point, and that was that.

We could not stop laughing at how completely crazy that experience actually was. Here we were in Portland, in a city we were so excited and lucky to be at, and we just had the weirdest restaurant experience of our lives. We just spend over $80 and I cried most of the time. But after we just laughed and laughed. I laughed the hardest I had in a long time. I laughed so hard my stomach hurt, and I had to roll down the window so I could breathe. We ended up running to our local grocery store and buying some snacks and watched Netflix the rest of the night. I remember looking across at Kyle, and thinking this is the best man I have seen in my whole life. This is the person, who I will quite possibly share the best and worst experiences of my life with.

In that moment, looked across the room and saw my best friend. I saw the best part of me, and also saw a whole separate person. I saw a world of possibilities turned to good.

I saw my life, and I wouldn’t want to change a minute of it. I think we can all be appreciative and grateful for the life we get to live, regardless of the things that are out of our control. There is always so much more to it than it seems, and things can change in an instant.

That is what I want to make this post about. Yes, this is quite a silly and privileged example from my life. But it is still something meaningful to me because I learned something from it, and that is why I want to remember it. It sparked a realization, that there is always something good waiting around the corner. That is what I am clinging to these days. This year is turning out to be not what anyone expected. But there are still things to laugh about, to cry about, and remind you that life is still worth everything.

Moments don’t always go as planned, and plans don’t always unfold how we wish them to. But the I argue that some of the best parts of our lives are made up of unplanned moments and ruined restaurant experiences. I really do. At least for me, it reminds me of how lucky I am to have someone to love through all of what life could possibly entail.

Stay safe out there.

love,

toria.